Purple Hair

I dyed my hair purple the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Then I got it cut the next day… really short. Like.. shorter than the short that it already was since summer’s big chop. It wasn’t planned, really. But I did tell the barber that I wasn’t attached to my hair length and that he could do whatever he wanted. That was before I realized that I may have been more attached to my hair length than I thought I was. Tears threatened to come as he shaved down the sides and I witnessed the woman in the shop sweep my purple kinks in a pile to trash.

Pre-dying my hair purple (I don’t have a pic of it actually purple before I cut it)

Okay, Adrienne. Game face. You can survive this. At least until you leave this shop. 

When he was done, I smiled and nodded my fake approval as I looked in the mirror. “Oh. My. God…. I… love it.” I lied. “Can I please have your number?” I asked the barber to make the lie more convincing as I told myself I would never return.

My fav post-acceptance picture

I rushed back home, hoping I wouldn’t encounter anyone I knew. I looked in the mirror for a while trying to love it, telling myself “it’s new but you’ll get used to it,” until I got tired of my face and curled up in my couch close to tears. I feel the only reason I didn’t actually cry is because I knew in my heart how stupid I was acting because of a stupid haircut. But that didn’t stop my sadness or my contemplating not going to church (which was in less than an hour) for fear of people seeing me like this or my coming up with ways to hide my hair until it grew out or I liked it (whichever came first). I was late meeting my friend to go to church because I was seriously moping and thinking of not going BECAUSE OF MY FREAKING HAIR.

My girl. Wah wrong wid yuh? Are you seriously going to let your hair define you like this?

Such self-talk and Snapchat motivation was what made me eventually get up. It took me about a week to grow to love my hair. I even returned to the same barber, because to be honest, it was a good haircut. I was just in shock because it was new. I got (and still get) a lot of compliments on my hair. But outside of that, the whole experience taught me a lot.

I knew from the jump that something was wrong with my response to the situation, that something deeper was going on. Funnily enough, the sermon at church that day was about what to rejoice in/ what not to rejoice in.  The preacher talked about our desires as humans to be loved, known, accepted, significant and secure. We can choose to find these things in Christ, or in the world (which never satisfies). In the moment with the hair, I especially wanted to be accepted. I struggled with the thought that my haircut would cause me to lose any acceptance I once had in the world? In part, I am not wrong. People love my hair. They say it fits my face. They say that I look fierce or that I should model. People hate it. They say I look like a butch. They say it’s not “me.” They judge me because of it. It’s not modest. It’s “outrageous.” Especially in the culture I grew up in, I know people question the state of my salvation because of my hair (I hope to write a blog on this).

Regardless of what people think or don’t think of my hair, or of any part of me for that matter, my rejoicing or lack of should not be in it. Should I be a little disappointed that my mom asked me if I’m still a Christian because I colored my hair purple? Well, of course, I want to please my mom. Should I feel good that random people give me compliments? Well, I mean, maybe a little. I’m a human with emotions. But I shouldn’t be so attached to these things that their going or staying alters the state of my joy. These things should not be the ultimate source of my joy.

A couple verses from Philippians 3:

1 Further, my brothers and sisters, rejoice in the Lord! It is no trouble for me to write the same things to you again, and it is a safeguard for you.

3 For it is we who are the circumcision, we who serve God by his Spirit, who boast in Christ Jesus, and who put no confidence in the flesh–

7-8 But whatever were gains to me, I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ…”

(Tbh, just read the whole chapter. It’s great.)

My whole point is that my aim and desire is to rejoice in Christ and Christ alone. To place no confidence in the flesh – my appearance, my hair, my education, my wealth, etc. These are all things I’ve found myself rejoicing in (or becoming sad about) at some point or another. All things I’ve found myself placing my worth in, when really they should be considered “garbage” in comparison to my pursuit of Christ. There are times, such as with the hair situation, where I have to do a self-check on what I truly am placing my confidence in. Because just as in that barber-shop, where I said with my mouth (and honestly believed) that I was not attached to my hair length, while demonstrating the opposite with my response to the cut, many times I think I’m holding onto something loosely before realizing that I placed a whole identity (separate from Christ) in it when something goes wrong .. or even when something goes right.

Like when people compliment me on how I look or talk about my achievements or whatever, those are definitely feel-good moments, but it is important that I am careful not to find my value in such things… because I have something so much more valuable and so much less temporary. Or at times when I’m stressing over a grade, or how my makeup looks, or something like that, I’m like to myself “Ok… and what else?”

Like.. you might not do as well as you want to on this exam but are you really going to be sitting up in here and crying like there’s nothing else to you? Do you really have to have this to feel fulfilled? And if so, where are you putting your trust?

Don’t get me wrong, “these things are not bad things, but when we want them badly, it becomes a problem.” In particular, becoming too preoccupied with these things is a sure fire way to become extremely self-centered. Yep. Sometimes, I think myself to death about my appearance or my performance. It seems harmless to think about whether persons like or hate the way I look or act, whether my parents will be proud of my performance, whether I will make my family look good, but these things can very quickly become sources of selfishness and pride. Instead of being concerned with the things of God and His service, I become wrapped up in myself. I depend on this world for its approval that falls so short and is unable to fuel me for God’s calling. When we exist knowing that we are already fully known, loved, and accepted by God, it becomes easier to carry out God’s will as we can focus on less self-serving things. Confidence in God is even more important and more powerful than the “self-confidence” we typically talk about.

My friend, hope in God, and cast all your anxieties on Him! Rejoice in Him and the new identity that is found only in His salvation. Have confidence in knowing that your worth in knowing Jesus is far greater than anything this world finds value in. Trust me, I’m still learning, still praying, still casting anxieties. There are still moments where I lose focus and realize that I’m not completely trusting His gift, but something in this world. But his red blood was shed for my purple hair (liked or disliked), my face (well made-up or not), my grades (good or bad), my bank account (flourishing or over-drafted), and everything else in this world He knew I’d worry about. And He knew when He died for me that I would struggle. He died for my struggling to see just how worthy I am – amidst these things – because of Him. He said that there is rest, sweet rest, in Him.I am valued because He gives me the acceptance I so desperately seek from the world. And I am still called His own, I am still pursued when I go seeking after other things. And He patiently waits for me to see… and know… and walk… in the freedom I have in being HIS. How I long for this to be completely heart-knowledge as much as it is head-knowledge. ❤